The End
“Don’t let anyone feel like you have to settle. Because you’re worth it.”
i do what i wanna do,
i do what i liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike
i do what i liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike
home
ask?
lovely
quotes
musings
oldies
©
“You’re beautiful.”
constantly teetering between laughing and crying from happiness these past few days.
i feel so blessed.
and so, so in love.
is it even possible to be this in love, and not even in a romantic sense?
my heart feels so full.
i had an ephiphany in my dream
i dreamed that
i dont like adam.
like i realized in my dream that he doesnt excite me metnally and he’s still sociopathic
and like he’s not a horrible person
and he can be an amazing friend
as long as i dont get too close
but like so many things about him turn me off
his weird dorkiness
the way he’s just so…. idk bubbly
it’s wonderful qualities but im not into it
so even if his body is fineeeee and he’s tall and buff
even if he can wrap me up and make me feel small..
i dont want a guy like that
i want a man.
his physical body is literally just a body and i want mental stimulation and soul
not just mental gymnastis because he’s a sociopath
i want someone that loves, values, and cherishes me because im fucking priceless
he’s not stable with himself, so he’s gonna have a hard time having stable relationships
you are fun to talk to. it’s refreshing bc a lot of poeple live with walls
but you want to skip that bs and just have meaningful relationships
but at the same time, i think you put up walls too, which is human nature. and i think it’s necessary anyways
“being vulnerable all the time is not a recommended state of being for anyone”
i think im still unsure of my own self
and what i want or what i expect from others
but with this epiphany
it became much clear what i want, need and expect from you
and bc i give a lot, i expect a lot in return
but at the same time
im going to stay hands-off
i think we’re both special to each other in some way shape or form
but maybe right now just isnt the right time for us to get what we want out of each other
i know what i want and i know what i need from you
but if youre not able to or sure of how to be with me then that’s your right to be
“so you’re not talking to him rn then?”
haha. nah my goal is to not talk to him unless he talks to me first
bc he needs to be proactive if he wants to keep me in his life
plus since hes the more cautious one, i think it’s up to him to make decisions and figure himself out first
it’s all very strange
i mean talking to him is super intense
i go through phases of trying to capture what i think and also trying to make sure i know how i feel about an issue that he brings up bc he makes me think so much
but ive never experienced such a strong opposite sex relationship
so much draw and chemistry in our relationship.
i think all opposite sex relationships always have some form of attraction, interest or possiblity from either side
whether it be a “oh i think he’s cute ” or whether it be that the guy likes you for a brief minute or whatever it is but this really pushes the boundaries to what i think of as a friend, what i want and need from a friend, what being a friend means
how to deal with uncertainity about relationship boundaries
how i think about intimacy in friendship and ambiguous relationships
it’s unique in that way.
isn’t it amusing?
it’s like youve come full circle within the course of my life.
ok, so maybe 5ish years is a really, reeeeally miniscule time period against the grand scheme of things, and maybe we’ve only crossed paths once more because we’re in the same area, but still. an interesting turn of events nonetheless.
you were there after richard, before, during AND after sarah, and now, here you are again!!
it’s just so funny that i felt quite different each time we come into contact.
this time around, i feel at ease. comfortable, confident, sure of myself. ironic that within these past few months, ive felt the saddest, lonliest, most lost and insecure out of the entire period of self-growth ive recently embarked on, and youve dropped into my life again at this point (only because i let you, ofc). but still! mentally and emotionally, i feel so weak, yet i still feel confident in front of you, undoubtful and unwavering in my decisions.
confident, comfortable, yet im entirely realistic.
it’s probably true that you haven’t changed one bit
and that there’s probably not much point in trying to be friends, and that youre still serially cheating on your poor gf
but still
my curiosity knows no bounds, and im not going to regret at least trying to find answers to the questions i had since the time after everything fell apart between us
im so curious as to see whether we can actually be friends
can you be friends with someone you dont trust or respect? or rather, can you form a positive bond with someone like that, even as acquaintences?
i can’t exactly explain my fixation on needing to having things be okay between us, on leaving things on a good note, on wondering if i can ever just be on casual terms with an ex
but there’s also the fact that i always thought we never connected, even if i was enchanted by your weirdness and bewildering tendencies.
i always wanted to be able to be chill with you, i guess. to share a platonic bond with you without any emotional weirdness and without you coming onto me.
i wont go so far as to say that you keep coming into my life without fail, and that we can’t really seem to go longer than months or years without being in contact…
lol. not fate. but funny how that works out.
im hoping that even though we didnt workout as lovers, we can be friends, or acquaintences. who knows if you have ulerior motives. i could never tell with you.
i know we can’t be close friends since you absolutely obliberated any credit you had with me many times over, but i sitll want to give it a fair chance.
waht will i lose besdies time and energy?
it’ll satisfy my intesne curisotiy. something ive always pined and longed for and wondered about…
am i being to optimistic? hopeful?
im more sure that ill end up being disappointed in the fact that youre shady af
but that eternal sense of hopefullness will never fully die
what’s going to be hard is cutting things off for the upteenth time if i find that youre just trying to have me as a side piece (AGAIN)
To sum him up:
I think realizing all this and really figuring it all out makes me feel so weightless!!! because i realize that it’s not what i want or need.
i always said that i didnt like him emotionally, but the physical attraction never left, even all these years.
and him saying “WHY? im going to make you fall for me! imma bring my a game emotions”
“sorta mad youre ont emotionally attracted to me. ill train my emotions more just you wait”
“ill show you my emotional stability and stature, just you wait punk”
“i dont know why i do the things i do”
“i dont think i just see everything as a challenge i guess”
“im fucked up. there’s something mental about me”
just helps me turn off to who he really is.
still, it’s damn hard to not be physically attracted to him, especially when he tries really hard to win me over.
whether that’s because im a challenge, or because he’s drawn to me too, ill never really know i guess.
one thing i dont understand is why he said that he doesnt like me emotionally or mentally but he’s physically attracted to me.
i mean, dont get me wrong, id be way more offended and hurt if he didnt see me sexually (a girl still wants to feel desired, no matter what), but like i dont get it
i do think that we dont connect on the “same” wavelength. as two intellectual beings capable of open-minded and frank discussion. funnily enough, our awkward history and incredibly volatile past makes it so that we can be completely stripped-down/bare/honest with each other, even if that means expressing our sexual magnetism to one another oh so casually
but personality-wise, im just not very bright and happy all the time. im negatively-oriented in general; sarcastic, sassy and cunning while he’s positively-oriented, carefree, jokey and troll-y.
and we really dont share interests. he likes anime, IU, soft, cute and happy music like jazz and opera and delicate violins, while i like heavy, dirty, grimy dub and trap and angsty pop-punk and rock. he likes cutesy bunny and anime-like girls and i like cutesy, adorable, sensitive but dichotomous guys… i thought.
freshman me loved who he is, but in the end, i think my taste has changed. i want a chill, dorky goofball that adores his family and takes care of his sisters like the best older brother in the world. a man of integrity, honor, and quiet, brooding intensity
someone who doesnt troll 99% of the time and someone who can commit.
someone who wont be ADD and honestly just be flighty and move onto the next shiny thing that comes along to pique his interest
i want someone quiet. haha
his lack of self-control turns me off so much because it is the epitome of what i dont want.
chiiiiill. laid-back, gives no fucks except when it matters.
someone who shares my music taste.
someone disciplined.
i want my hero to be manly yet sensitive but most of all, someone who chooses me because they love me and know im irreplaceable undoubtedly special.
i want someone who chooses me.
“opposites attract but dont last”
“i think i finally want something more than just a fuckbuddy
or maybe i always wanted that
but i do know that i want more emotional intimacy and connection.”
i’m not sure what’ll happen with grad school, where i’ll be living
but i’m so excited for the future, whether that means staying in illinois and continuing to deepen the friendships i have here and meeting new people, continuing the webs of people i already know
or starting in a completely new place, all by myself, where no one knows my name or who ive been,
what im like or who i am.
im so fucking nervous, happy, and jittery..
but most of all, i’m so unimaginably excited.
HERE I COME WORLD
i look around and i realize that we are so. loved in this world.
so many people surrounding us if you just care to look beyond that one meaningless and unworthy potential lover that we hang all of our expectations, hopes, insecurities onto.
in moments, days, weeks of loneliness, i tend to forget that.
it’s so easy to continuously become stuck in a cycle of “im not enough, what’s so great about me, im lacking so incredibly.”
but lack of connection is what really kills you.
the most important thing is balance.
no one person, lover, friends, or even family, can completely fill the void that is life and bring you the lasting security, stability, support and love that you need.
you need a variety..
looking around, in that moment, i felt loved.
like i belonged, like i was cared for, like i mattered.
being surrounded by family, people that i often write off as judgemental, selfish, so different from me
but theyre constant.
they’re there through every life change. jobs, kids, new life, lovers, relationships. family is always there whether you like it or not.
as we were paying our respects to harabuji, it really dawned on me that he brings us together, and he has been bringing us together, even past his death.
perhaps more like *especially? there was a time period in which everyone stopped showing up to gatherings because no one cared and everyone was busy and everyone was just.. tired. tired from life knocking you down, stressors of everyday living, tired even of having to extend an effort in the first place. unwilling to exert energy to care about one another and strengthen, or even build the relationships that had buds in our childhood.
and so with each unwilling point of contact, the well of care and love disspiated. conversations got shorter, gatherings became more sparse, people stopped really talking to one another and connecting in any meaningful way. “im too busy” became easier and easier to utter, and conversations slowly dwindled to a few words, and eventually, stopped altogether.
with each family member not being present, it leaves a gap, an absence.
weirdly enough, it only takes one person being absent to really affect the mood and tone of a gathering.. “oh, they’re gone skiing? they couldn’t come because x event and z commitement and y happening..? oh.”
in other words, their personal plan is a direct “sorry, im too important for you” to each and every other family member that took the time out of their schedule to pritoritize and open themselves up to the occasion, since it’s rare. it’s an act of love, sharing and openness, a sacrifice and willingness to give time and effort and genorsity in the name of the collective whole of a family.
it’s really awesome to think back to the days in which all of us would squish onto the couch and harabuji was making a fuss to get pictures of us in all of our kiddish glory
running up the stairs at keun appa’s house, playing movie theater and robbine unni showing us her nail polish and buffing tools and brian bumbling about and playing james and playing like best friends.
those were the fucking days.
and now we’re pretty awkward and not even close enough to message each other on facebook. hahaha ah.
halmuni got mad at us for not knowing each other’s phone numbers, and it’s true.
we can feed her excuses like “we have each other online in social media” and “no one ever talks on the phone anymore..” but to be honest, we should have each others’ numbers. we should be calling one another here and there and talking, beacuse who do we have but family?
im hopeful and certain that as long as we keep trying to make an effort with each other, to try to be involved, curious, invested in each other’s lives, and to be supportive of each other at the least, that we’ll be able to be close again, even closer than before. and im happy that i realized this now, because it’s never too late to reconnect.
it felt good to be in the presence of family again.. and it made me realize my selfishness. a true breath of fresh air, and true happiness and inspration that i want to chase. it felt like this after harabuji’s funeral… the utmost pure feeling of genuine bonding and love. this is the kind of love and happiness i want to chase. not a cheap chemical thrill, not a curated chemical high, but this.
family, philosophy, groundedness, humility, strength, genuineness, sensory experience, gratitude, being present.
these are things i want to cherish, fight for, and live.
i dreamed that when i met up with adam, it turned out that he wasnt cheating on his girlfriend and that they broke up and he was really heartbroken over it and was like tearing up about it, opening up to me about it even before i accused him of cheating
i felt bad in my dream that i expected the absolute worst of him and it turned out that actually he really did just want to be friends and he wasnt being shady
in my dream, he was like wounded puppy that i must take care of and wrap in love and cuddles
i was just so sad for him
but my dreams are usually pretty true to life but WHY AM I DREAMING LIKE THIS D : <
usually, ill dream of adam and id always be in a situation where i needed help like rape or mugging or needing to escape/time-contingent deadlines and he would always, ALWAYS be unavailable and USELESS af (which, AINT THAT THE TRUTH, couldnt be TRUER TO LIFE.)
or like id dream of people like airforce guy that i pined over and theyd always be metaphorically unavailable in my dream whether it be emotioally in the form of not picking up the phone, or not being able to see me, hear me, or just wouldnt care about me.. i wouldnt be able to hold even a second of their time and attention that i so desperately chased after
agh.
i stopped dreaming about adam after a certain point but this dream makes me feel weird
like
~~~~~ aljsdflkasdlkjaskldjfkndf
perhaps it’s just the anticipation that’s just waiting to culminate in our meeting
ew.
so many questions for him, i hope i dont forget………
WHY DO I FEEL SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN
i am a calm goddess and u owe his motherfucka nothin and he aint shit and this is all in good reminsicence.
asjlkasjdglkjaskldgjlkas